


Help, I'm Alive

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, Feeding, Fluff and Angst, Food, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Shingeki no Kyojin: Kuinaki Sentaku | Attack on Titan: No Regrets Spoilers, mentions of vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-22
Updated: 2015-04-25
Packaged: 2018-03-25 04:38:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3796975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi is depressed; after Isabel and Farlan die, he doesn't have anybody left. It's Erwin's fault, so he rightfully has to pick up the pieces of a man who can't even feed himself.</p><p>Surprisingly, the gesture comes back around.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Those of you who are reading my multichapter fic Hearts And Minds (which you should totally check out) might be thinking "what are you doing, go back to writing that!" but this plot bunny wouldn't get out of my head. I fell in love with the idea of the eruris feeding each other (which I think came from tumblr) and it just snowballed out of proportion from there.
> 
> Enjoy!!

Erwin knocks twice, but there’s no answer. Not that he was expecting one.

Levi is not type of person to willingly accept people into his room.

He enters the room and looks around in curiosity. It’s a standard barrack; three bunk beds and a few drawers. However, he knows better than to think that anybody other than Levi was inhabiting it right now. The Underground thugs were not recruited during the usual recruitment time, nor were they properly trained with the other trainees. Shadis agreed to let them have one of the empty barracks to themselves instead of splitting them up and socialising them with the others. 

And since Isabel and Farlan’s passing, Levi was the only person occupying the room, probably to his detriment. 

The room was full of ghosts. Even from a preliminary look, Erwin can see the remains of Levi’s friends. Female clothing strewn on the floor messily, in piles that look like they were only just taken off a body, two beds left unmade and messy, and two bloodied Survey Corps patches, ripped from their owners jackets, at Erwin’s feet. The memories of Levi’s friends litter the room in fragments and small reminders of the life they used to live.

And then there’s the bundle of sheets, that isn’t really a bundle of sheets, but a bundle of Levi under some sheets. He knows Levi is short, but he’s not tiny. And yet, he looks very tiny under those blankets.

“Levi?”

No answer.

Unsure of what to do next, Erwin leaves. Perhaps he should give it some time.

But Levi still doesn’t emerge.

\---

“What are you doing with him, Erwin?” Shadis asks during one of their impromptu meetings. Shadis knows, everyone knows, that Erwin is poised to become the next Commander. And the process of teaching him everything he needs to know is already under way.

“With who?” Erwin plays innocent.

“Your tiny thug project.”

“He’s not _that_ tiny-”

“Erwin,” Shadis interrupts firmly, “He won’t come out of his room, he’s not eating, he’s not attending training and he has failed to fulfill his necessary chores and duties. What are you doing?”

Erwin thinks about the best way to tackle this question, and decides on vagueness. Vague is good sometimes, especially when there’s no proper answer. “I’m slowly making progress.”

“Slowly isn’t good enough,” Shadis says, shuffling his papers, indicating he is done talking about this topic. “Make it happen. Now.”

“Yes, sir.”

\---

He knocks twice, once again, and nobody answers, once again.

“Hello Levi,” Erwin says, as cheerful as he can possibly muster. “Nice evening, right?”

No answer.

“I have some food for you.”

No answer.

“Look, Levi, if you don’t start engaging with me, you’re going to get kicked out. The Survey Corps can’t afford to keep you here if you’re not going to fight.”

Under the pile of blankets, there’s a small noise,

“Good.”

At least a bit of an answer was better than no answer.

“Well I brought you this food, all the way from the mess hall, so shouldn’t you do the polite thing and eat it?”

“No.”

Erwin groans frustratedly and rips the sheets off of Levi’s body.

Inside, under the protective sheets that shielded his body, the man that was curled into a fetal position was not the same man that he had recruited from the Underground. That man was strong, defiant and independent. The man in front of him was a mess, unable to care for himself properly. 

Gentle hands try moving Levi into a sitting position, but his body simply flops, unable to keep its weight.

And definitely unable to eat on his own.

He props Levi’s body up against his own, a body that has been trained to perfection, trained to be a lethal weapon, now weak and pliant and unwilling to act on its own. He dips the spoon in the soup and lifts it carefully.

“C’mon Levi, time to eat.”

And he does. He opens his mouth - minimally, but Erwin is proud of the achievement anyway - and takes the spoon. And another, and another, and another, until the bowl is empty, and Levi has eaten his first proper meal since the day his friends died.

Erwin doesn’t mind it, helping Levi. He only worries. 

He knows that Isabel and Farlan were his friends, but he didn’t know that they were all he had left. Erwin expected Levi to bolt to second that he revealed the whole Lobov document scandal was a bluff, or at least, a bluff for him. As much as he would’ve loved to have Levi in the Survey Corps, fighting for humanity, his talent not wasting away to an early death in the Underground, he figured that this was the last place Levi would want to be.

But he didn’t bargain on Levi falling into depression. He didn’t bargain on Levi losing everything that made him _Levi_. It makes Erwin think that maybe he shouldn’t have done what he did, maybe he shouldn’t have lied about the documents, maybe he shouldn’t have recruited these three into the Corps and maybe he shouldn’t have destroyed their lives in the process.

But that ever present voice in the back of his mind comes to the forefront, urging him to stop thinking like that. To stop being guilty of their deaths. They were criminals who had a choice. They could have face the proper punishment as dealt by the Military Police. 

And if he was going to be the Commander one day, he was going to have to deal with much worse guilt than this.

Erwin puts the soup bowl and utensils away and leaves a glass of water by Levi’s bedside. As soon as he moves away, Levi is back in a horizontal position, clutching his pillow for dear life.

“I know this is hard, but I want you to drink the water, okay?”

He swears there’s a faint nod in Levi’s head.

“I’ll be back in the morning to give you your breakfast.”

Before he leaves, Erwin searches the room for harmful objects, anything that Levi could potentially end his life with. He grabs a belt buckle and all of Levi’s razors and pockets them discreetly.

Levi doesn’t even notice, off in his own little world, probably pretending that he wasn’t recruited into the Survey Corps and that his friends didn’t die. 

Erwin sighs. “Have a good sleep.”

He knows that Levi won’t.

\---

Slowly, Levi starts to eat on his own, but Erwin still has to bring him his meals.

“We’ve just managed to obtain a research grant,” Erwin tells Levi. It has turned into a small ritual; bring Levi his food, watch him eat it, talk to him about his day, make sure he speaks at least once and then leave. “Hanji will be promoted to Squad Leader and will head a research team entirely devoted to figuring out how to defeat the titans.”

Levi’s face perks up halfway through placing oatmeal in his mouth. “Defeating the titans?” He asks after swallowing.

Three words. That’s more than any other day.

“Well that is what the Survey Corps is for. Trying to take back the land we’ve lost, defeating the titans…”

Levi nods and takes another spoonful of oatmeal. “What’s the plan?”

“I don’t know, to be honest,” Erwin says. He’s a high ranking soldier, but he’s not the Commander. He doesn’t know absolutely everything.

And Hanji kinda scares him.

“Wow, Erwin Smith doesn’t know something? Unbelievable.” Levi snarks.

Erwin lets a small, thin laugh fall from his lips. “One person can’t carry the weight of the world on their shoulders, no matter how hard I try.”

Erwin can see Levi snap as soon as he finishes his sentence, the man’s eyes darken and his eyebrows scrunch angrily. It’s the most emotion he’s seen from Levi since that day.

“So what happens when Shadis dies and you become Commander? Are you going to let us all die? Rot out there beyond the walls? Severed heads and half-eaten bodies?” Levi’s voice is loud, but still scratchy from weeks of disuse. His body shudders as he tries to desperately heave air into his laboured lungs and repress the memories of death. 

“Shadis plans to retire within two years,” Erwin says simply.

“You didn’t answer my questions...” Levi mutters.

“And again, I don’t have the answers to most of your questions. I can plan, but I can only plan so much. There are various variables that could change, that I need to keep in mind when thinking of the future.”

“Like what? What could possibly change?”

“You.”

Levi pauses, before saying, “You’re an asshole.”

“You have incredible ability, Levi. You’re a natural, born to fly through the air on 3DMG.” Erwin can see a faint pink rise to his cheeks. “For you to fight with the Survey Corps would be invaluable.” 

Erwin can imagine it; his long range scouting formation with Levi and his special strike squad at the front, and himself commanding right behind them. Levi would be able to take out the majority of the titans, including the abnormals, before they reach the formation. If anything went wrong, if red smoke went off, Levi would be able to go to that specific section of the formation and fix it. 

The possibilities and potential with Levi by his side are endless.

“But right now, you’re all but incapacitated.” Erwin darkens, voice as cold as ice. “You’re unwilling to do anything but mourn.”

“I’m allowed to grieve!”

“We all grieve!” Erwin yells, his emotions getting the better of him. “We all grieve what we’ve lost, but we all get back up, stand on our two feet, and make the most of the life we have left. We honour the dead more by continuing to fight for their cause rather than wallowing in our beds all day because the world is cruel.”

Erwin knows that he has probably crossed a line, and that he should probably apologise, but the fury in his blood is not dissipating, and he knows that picking a fight with Levi would do nothing. Picking up the dishes, he makes his way for the door.

But before he can leave, there’s a small murmur, 

“Maybe you should tell yourself that.”

Erwin walks away thinking that maybe Levi knows him better than he thought.

\---

The next day, Erwin comes back to Levi’s door with a tray of food as a peace offering. He had to apologise, whether he wanted to or not. Levi was grieving, and yelling at him wasn’t going to change that.

He knocks on the door twice and then enters without permission, like he usually does, but the room is empty.

Empty.

Erwin’s knuckles whiten as his grip on the tray of food tightens unbearably.

He’s driven Levi away. Not only has he lost one of the Survey Corps’ most valuable assets, but he’s driven Levi back to a world of crime, destruction and despair. 

And it’s all his fault.

\---

“Commander,” Erwin says stiffly when he finds Shadis in the hallway. “I have a matter to discuss with you.”

“Yes, what is it?” Shadis asks when he dismisses the soldier he was talking to.

“Levi,” Erwin says, his throat constricting involuntarily. “Levi has run away.”

Shadis looks at Erwin seriously for a second before breaking out into a short chuckle.

Out of all the reactions he expected from the man, laughter was not one of them. Obviously Shadis was waiting for this moment, waiting for his failure, and clearly that was amusing to him.

“Sir, I-”

“The midget is in Hanji’s lab.”

“Wait- _What?_ ”

“This morning I went to check up on how Hanji is setting everything up, and I found Levi fully dressed and listening to Hanji rattle on about research.”

Well… That would explain the absence from his bed...

“Fully dressed? In a Survey Corps uniform?”

“Yes,” Shadis says, pausing to muse, and then clapping Erwin on the shoulder. “Good job, Erwin. I didn’t think you could do it. I thought he was too much of a lost cause and that you didn't have the compassion to pull him out. He will be a fine addition with a bit of work. I assume you’ll continue to mentor him?”

“Yes sir,” Erwin mutters, still slightly shocked by this sudden turn of events. 

“Good. I’ll put him in your squad then.”

Well, fuck.

\---

“I heard I’ve been assigned to your squad.”

“Private Levi,” Erwin acknowledges, looking up from his paperwork to see Levi, back in his grumpy, sarcastic glory. Somehow, within a day, the man who had been weak with depression had transformed into somebody with spark and life. 

“Pshh, I’m not a Private,” Levi groans, flopping himself into the chair in Erwin’s office ungracefully. “Just call me Levi.”

“Levi it is then.”

Levi stops talking and Erwin starts to become uncomfortable staring at him, so he returns to his paperwork, scribbling his signature lazily on everything he agreed with.

“You’re probably wondering what changed.”

“Very much so.”

“I was bored of that bed,” Levi says, shrugging slightly. 

Erwin nods. It’s not an answer, but it’s something. If that’s what will get Levi out of bed each day, he’ll let him believe it. “Good for you,” he says sincerely.

“Anyway, I wouldn’t have made it that far if you weren’t feeding me, so thanks, I guess…” 

“You’re welcome.”

“I was just here to get my itinerary. Apparently I have duties around this hell hole or something.”

“I don’t have an outline with me at the moment, but I can draw up a schedule now?”

“That’s okay.”

Erwin separates a fresh piece of paper into squares and writes what Levi should be doing at each time of the day. Erwin takes his time to explain each event and duty in detail, before writing down a list of people below it. 

“These are the people in my squad. You can go to any one of them for help.”

Levi looks down the list and frowns. “Mike Zacharius… That was the guy that pushed my face into the mud, right?”

Erwin laughs nervously and nods. “Uh, yes, he is. But he’s harmless. In fact, he’s the next in line to be promoted to Squad Leader, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he wasn’t in my squad for much longer.”

“It’s fine,” Levi says simply, folding the piece of paper and tucking it into his jacket. “I’m not going to kill him or anything.”

“Good, I’m glad.”

“Bye then,” Levi mutters, turning to walk away. “Don’t expect me to salute either, that’s dumb.”

“I didn’t expect you to.”

Erwin wonders whether his impromptu speech made an impact in Levi’s decision to get out of bed, or whether was Levi truly bored and decided to visit Hanji.

But they are not friends. Erwin has no right to ask him such a question, so he resigns himself to never knowing how or why Levi got out of bed that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second part should come out within a week!! If you liked this, drop a comment or contact me at levierwins.tumblr.com or @levierwins on twitter.


	2. Part 2

A year passes, and their circumstances change. 

Wall Maria falls, and the Survey Corps becomes both weaker and stronger. Weaker, because they lose almost 60% of their soldiers overnight. Stronger, because there is a more urgent reason for their existence. The titans are no longer an abstract threat, something that could never harm the general population. They are able to break through walls; they are able to kill everyone.

And Erwin uses this to their advantage whenever he can.

Shadis retires and passes him the torch. It’s before his two year retirement date, but the man couldn’t bare it anymore. As Commander, he reconfigures the Survey Corps to suit his leadership. He puts the soldiers he trusts most in the prime positions of leadership, and allows some of the older and more worn soldiers to retire as well. He doesn’t need people who don’t want to be fighting, nor people who are going to undermine his leadership.

Erwin pushes for more funding, more recruiting and more political power. Their funding is doubled, they run year round recruitment within the Cadet Corps and they manage a bigger political footing within Wall Sina. 

And Levi, who has gained a prolific reputation as “Humanity’s Strongest Soldier”, has helped in more ways than one. The public respects him. He is seen as the light to Erwin’s dark. Whenever Erwin is noticed in public, he is scorned. Whenever Levi is noticed in public, he is worshipped. Erwin would be lying if he said he wasn’t jealous of the praise, but if playing the bad guy to Levi’s good guy helped the cause, he would deal with it. The people needed hope, and Levi was that hope.

The Survey Corps has grown to deeply respect him as well. Most of the soldiers who were present at the time of Levi’s entry into the Corps are either dead or have retired. The rest have grown to respect him for who he is, and Erwin is thankful for that. New recruits and cadets have little idea of the turbulent months surrounding Levi’s recruitment.

And Levi himself has grown into a very fine soldier. He still doesn’t salute Erwin, or any other Corps soldier for that matter (but he does make exceptions when visiting the higher ups in Sina), and he still doesn’t work within many military formalities that he should. But his physical strength has improved tremendously, something which Erwin didn’t even think was possible. He is now firmly the best titan killer Erwin has ever seen, eclipsing even Mike. He has also grown into a fine leader, able to command a small Special Operations Squad with ease. Levi's growth has made Erwin proud.

Erwin and Levi also fall into a routine that Erwin could equate with something similar to friendship. Erwin confides his plans with Levi and Levi confides his worries with Erwin. Without realising, Levi becomes his most trusted soldier besides Mike. He completes all of Erwin’s orders with ease, while still speaking his mind when he believes Erwin has done wrong. They spend time in Erwin’s office speaking about the Survey Corps, bouncing ideas off one another and pondering about what they could do to better their strategies.

They talk about other things as well, like their appreciation for good tea and their limited knowledge about what the world beyond the walls looks like. Levi makes for good company, despite his abrasiveness. Sometimes they don't even need to talk, they can just sit in silence and go about their work.

One day, Erwin wakes up and realises what has happened. Levi has become his best friend, his companion and the object of his affection.

Erwin has always been attracted to the male gender. He's never been unsure about this attraction, especially after a few encounters with faceless men at bars. But he’s never had romantic feelings for any man that he’s known either. In fact, the only person he’s ever had romantic feelings for was Marie. So his feelings for Levi take him by surprise, catapulting him into a state of dirty dreams, cold showers and secret longing glances. 

Erwin has fallen for Levi, and he keeps it to himself, for both their sakes.

\---

It’s Christmas Eve, and Erwin has sent all of his soldiers home to spend the time with their families. It’s the right thing to do, considering that most of them won’t make it to another Christmas. Perhaps he should feel more guilt for thinking about the deaths of his soldiers so frankly, but he doesn’t have the time or energy to care. There is only so much guilt he can stomach, and he still needs to do his job.

However, for some soldiers, there is nowhere to go. Erwin, Levi and a few others stay on base and spend their newfound free time alone. Or, in Erwin’s case, use that free time to simply do more work. 

And maybe spend some of it in Levi's company.

“You sent for me?” Levi asks as he enters Erwin’s office. 

“Yes, I did,” Erwin says, smiling softly, squashing down the nervousness in his stomach. “I have something for you.”

He reaches for the box on his desk and pushes it towards Levi, whose eyes widen immediately. “You got me a Christmas present?” Levi asks bluntly.

“I got you a birthday present.”

Levi’s eyes widen even further. “How did you know?”

“I have access to everybody’s files.”

“You looked up my birthday?”

“Yes.”

“What do you want in return?”

Erwin laughs nervously, shaking his head. “It’s a birthday present, Levi, I don’t want anything in return.”

“I don’t understand…”

“There’s this little social convention where friends give other friends gifts on their birthday, I don’t know if you’ve heard of it…”

Levi ignores Erwin’s use of the word friend and steps forward to inspect the box. “I can’t accept this.”

“The second you open it, I think you’ll take that back.”

“Fine,” Levi grumbles, lifting the lid and peering inside. The moment he realises what the contents are, he stops breathing normally, and his jaw goes slack. “Erwin…”

“It was on sale a couple of months ago and I thought of you.” Erwin shrugs, trying to sound as cool as possible, but probably failing anyway. “No big deal.”

Levi tentatively picks up one teacup from the set of china - in his trademark claw grip, which Erwin has always been fascinated with - and holds it up like it’s the most precious thing in the world.

“I can’t believe you,” Levi mutters, “I can’t. I can’t accept this.”

Erwin frowns. “You don’t like it?”

“No!” Levi yells, quickly putting the teacup back into the box and shutting it like he had never seen it at all. “It’s perfect. Fucking perfect.”

Erwin can help but let a small smile grace his lips. He likes it. “Then what’s the problem?”

“You! You’re the problem!” Levi starts to pace back and forth, something which Erwin has noticed Levi tends to do when he’s anxious and angry. And just like he always does, Erwin gives him space. “Don’t fucking tell me you give gifts worth this much money to all your Squad Leaders on their birthday, because you don’t. You give them a small bottle of liquor and a card, you do not get them expensive china tea sets that cost more than a months wage.”

Before Erwin can open his mouth to say otherwise, Levi interrupts him, “And don’t tell me this doesn’t cost that much, because I know it does. I _know._ ”

Erwin sighs. He is unable to fool Levi, of course. Levi is no fool. “What is your point?”

“What’s your angle? What do you want?” Levi asks with narrow eyes.

“Nothing. I want nothing.” 

“Do you want trust? Devotion? My entire life? You’ve already got me in the palm of your hand Erwin, I’m already following you into hell, so what else do what want? Sex? I’ve sold my body before, and it is _not_ going to happen again.”

Erwin’s mouth turns dry at the mention of sex, and at the implication of his prostitution. His chest aches, his stomach aches and his nerves ache. He watches as Levi’s face turns from anger into sadness, and it hurts.

“I thought you were different…”

“No, Levi,” Erwin stands and walks over to him. Levi backs away, but Erwin manages to grasp his arm gently. “ _No_ , Levi. I won’t lie to you; I have feelings of... _that_ nature for you, but that isn’t why I gave you the present.”

“Why then?” Levi demands.

“Because you’re my _friend_ , and friends give other friends birthday gifts.”

Levi’s body stills, but his eyelids blink rapidly as he absorbs what Erwin has said. His mouth moves to the word ‘friend’, but his vocal cords don’t work. For a second, Erwin expects him to break down and start crying, but he doesn’t. Instead, he does the opposite.

Levi moves swiftly and gracefully, somehow managing to close the distance between their lips despite their difficult height difference. Erwin fumbles with his grip on Levi slightly before finding his balance. He can feel Levi’s tongue swipe against his lips, begging for entrance and _wanting_ entrance. It takes him by complete surprise, just like Levi has always surprised him. 

He relents, allowing Levi access to his mouth, and by default, his entire body, heart and soul.

He has wanted Levi for what seems like forever, and now, his longing is reprieved. 

Levi releases himself from Erwin’s grip after a few minutes of heavy, yet slow and tender kissing. Erwin’s mind is immediately kickstarted back into thinking. _This was inappropriate. Levi is obviously regrets it. You have ruined everything._

“Did you ever wonder why I got out bed that day?” Levi asks, eyes barely meeting Erwin's gaze, his cheeks dusted light pink under the twilight.

“You said you got bored of your bed...”

“I was,” Levi nods. “But you, you’re the reason why I got out of bed. You and your stupid words. You gave me a reason to live. You gave me something to aspire to, something to reach for. I was prideful and hateful, and it got Isabel and Farlan killed. But you? Your pride is a mask. Deep down you care - truly care - for humanity, no matter how much you frown and yell and pretend to be an emotionless soldier. You’re a good man, maybe the best man I've ever met.”

Erwin wants to inform Levi that he is not the man he thinks he is, that he much less, and much worse. He is not the best man, he is not even a good man; he is a monster.

"But you won't believe me will you?" Levi's voice is soft and fond, so different from his usual snark. "Because that's part of the reason why you are a good man."

Erwin doesn't say anything - he can't say anything - but he hopes that his actions will speak for him. He leans down and takes Levi into his arms, hugging him with thanks. He may never believe Levi's words, but he will cherish his loyalty and belief.

Levi’s hands drag over Erwin's body and clothed skin, in small but desperate touches, like he could disappear at any second. Erwin shivers at the touch, something so foreign and unknown and new. It sets him on fire. 

“You make me feel,” Levi whispers, pressing a kiss to Erwin’s cheek. It was comforting and warm and everything that Erwin shouldn’t be blessed with, but was.

The words slip from Erwin’s mouth, “You make me feel too.”

They start kissing again, searching for the comfort that being with each other provided. Somehow, Erwin manages to get his hands up Levi’s shirt, drinking in the gasps that Levi tries to hide in his mouth. Erwin’s thumb hovers over Levi’s nipples and he jerks deliciously. 

They move in unison to Erwin’s bedroom, a small room connected to his office with an added ensuite. It’s a frenzy of clothes after they hit the bed, both working as a team to get naked. Levi wins first and Erwin stares at how beautiful the man’s body is, quite possibly the most beautiful body he's ever seen.

His stomach coils in anticipation.

“Are you sure this is okay?” Erwin asks, restraining himself from touching Levi, whose skin is so bare and gorgeous underneath him. He wants Levi to be sure.

“It’s fine, Erwin, I want this. Want you.” Levi moans, bucking up into Erwin’s body, reaching and _needing_ the friction that he provides.

“I didn’t buy you the present to get you into bed.” Erwin says quickly as he finishes undressing himself. “Just so you know.”

“I know,” Levi murmurs, taking off Erwin’s underwear slowly, breathing deeply as he feels Erwin’s cock brush against his bare skin. 

“Good,” Erwin groans, fingers pressing at Levi’s hips, bringing Levi’s body closer to his own. “Because I want to do dirty things to you right now and I want you to enjoy it.”

“F-Fuck Erwin,” Levi stutters as their bodies brush together, sweat clinging to sweat. “Do it, just do it.”

So Erwin moves slowly and carefully, savouring every feeling, while Levi tries to hurry, like a quick fuck in the broom closet that most Survey Corps soldiers are used to.

And Erwin doesn’t want to be a quick fuck.

“Slow down,” he murmurs into Levi’s ear, nipping at the skin underneath. Levi slows down slightly, but his moans grow more desperate and high pitched as he finds less friction in his movement.

And for a while, they wrestle for positioning, Levi pushing Erwin onto his back so he can have his way, before Erwin gently pulls him back down to rest. But the sight of Levi, debauched and moaning on top of him, is not something he will likely forget.

They stare at each other, clutching at each other, like their eyes had nowhere else to be, and nothing else to see. Like they finally know why, despite all the death and destruction, they had been put through this hell. Every now and then, Erwin would breathe Levi’s name like a prayer and Levi would let it sink into the depths of his body. They would suck and lick at bare skin, any patch they could find, taking in each other, as much as they could.

And before the pleasure becomes too much, Levi’s hand is in between them, stroking them hard and fast while their lips hover over each other’s, watching as they both fall apart. 

Erwin comes like that, bucking into Levi’s touch, looking into Levi’s eyes, breathing into Levi’s hair. He watches as Levi comes undone as well, frantically squirming and shaking, his orgasm a lot louder than Erwin’s own.

Levi collapses to his side, panting after exerting himself so much.

“Usually I would complain about the mess we’ve made,” Levi says, “But right now all I can think of is how great your cock would be in my ass.”

Erwin chokes on air, stunned by Levi’s brutal honesty. “Shit, Levi.”

“Maybe another night, yeah?”

Erwin’s head drops to look at Levi - who looks calmer than Erwin has ever seen him - and smiles. Like he would ever turn down a proposal of that nature. “Of course.” 

Levi proceeds to curl up beside him with minimal touch at first. But as his breathing slows down and his eyes flutter closed, his legs wrap around Erwin’s torso and his arms snake around Erwin’s chest. Erwin sighs in content as he finally snuggles the man into his arms.

They sleep peacefully for the first time in years.

\---

Erwin wonders how pitiful the scene would look to anyone who walked through the door right now.

The Commander of the Survey Corps, down one arm, skin pale with blood loss and exhaustion, barely sitting up in bed while his Captain feeds him stew that he can’t even stomach.

He stops halfway through taking another mouthful, unable to keep going.

“Erwin,” Levi says softly, fondly, as Erwin tries to position himself away from Levi’s caring eyes. “You have to eat and gain your strength.”

“You know, six years ago I was the one feeding you…”

Levi growls, and the known clunk of a bowl hitting a hard surface fills Erwin’s ears. One minute Levi is sitting in the chair by his bedside, the next he is laying down next to him, touch minimal, but enough to make Erwin shiver.

Levi’s touch, no matter what, always makes Erwin shiver.

“Yes, you fed me, and you know what? I lived.” There was discontent mixed with sympathy in Levi’s voice, the same blend he uses with his subordinates. The same blend he uses to teach lessons with. “And so will you, because I’m going to feed you this fucking stew.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Levi reaches for the bowl and picks up another spoonful. “Open your mouth.”

Erwin relents, with absolutely no strength to fight Levi, and allows himself to swallow the stew. It’s delicious, but it settles heavy in Erwin’s stomach. He could probably throw it back up in the blink of an eye.

“Everybody shows weakness. It’s what makes us human.”

_Human._

What a small word to describe people as.

And yet Erwin had long ago forfeited his status as "human", exactly the minute he decided to take up the quest of defeating the titans, bringing down the walls, taking down the corrupt government and setting everybody free. 

Certain words he had said to Levi years ago echo in his mind,

_We all grieve what we’ve lost, but we all get back up, stand on our two feet, and make the most of the life we have left._

He also remembers how Levi had replied,

 _Maybe you should tell yourself that._

And Levi was right, because Levi is no fool. Erwin's guilt eats him alive, just like it ate away at Levi. The only difference is that Erwin pretends it doesn't. He pretends to be strong and healthy, when really, he is just dead inside.

Just as dead inside as Levi was.

“Okay,” Erwin murmurs, his head turning back to Levi. “I’ll eat.”

And for one tiny minute, he takes his own advice, and starts trying to live again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this was a bit of a let down ;___; I hope you enjoyed anyway!!!
> 
> As always, you can find me at levierwins.tumblr.com . Feedback is always appreciated :)


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